Grabbing His Cane

Paternity, S1

Wilson: I'm sorry about your patient.

House: He died a hero in his own mind. Guess it's better than nothing.

Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks we're gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirt bags.

House: Mendacious dirt bag comes much more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that. [He gestures at the A Chorus Line poster.]

Wilson: I kind of like it. [House stares at him.] Unlike this sofa.

House: It's 500 bucks. And... [he pulls a lever on the side] it reclines.

The Down Low, S6

House: It worked.

Wilson: Please tell me you're talking about a medical procedure.

House: They split up this morning. You're the very first one I've told.

Wilson: And you think she'll start dating you? I'm sure she hates you.

House: But her eyes say, "How will I ever pay you for that tennis lesson?"

Wilson: [sighs] Ah, what a shame.

House: They'll get over it.

Wilson: I meant for you.

House: I'll get over it faster than they do. [laughs slightly] Can't believe that Lucas fell for my "I never say this because it's so personal except that I’m drunk" profession of love. Second-oldest trick in the book.

Wilson: You're right. It's his fault because he's stupid.

House: [pause] He certainly is.

Ignorance Is Bliss, S6

Wilson: MRI looks exactly the same as it did two years ago. Nerves don’t seem to be regenerating.

House: I figured as much.

Wilson: Several researchers have proven that psychological pain can manifest as physical pain.

House: You think I have a conversion disorder? You want me to see a shrink.

Wilson: Brilliant idea, sending Stacey away, it’s really done wonders for you.

House: Listen none of this has anything to do with Stacey.

Wilson: Right; giant coincidence that you’ve gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain-- (House whacks him with his cane.) Ow!

House: Aw. You miss Stacey too?

Skin Deep, S2

Wilson: That... is a dime.

House: It looks mobile. And it's right in the middle of the colon. Prime location for pooping out. We'll give her some laxatives to help it on its way.

Unplanned Parenthood, S7

Wilson: Steve’s still acting normal, no sign of contractures.

House: They’ve got the cop’s body in a locked, airtight bag.

Wilson: And a guard on the door. Those feds are seriously paranoid.

House: He hasn’t gotten up to pee in hours, he’s due.

Wilson: You haven’t sprinkled Senokot granules on his donut, his bowels would open up like the Red Sea.

House: He wouldn’t eat the donut.

Wilson: Have you seriously been down here for hours?

House: No. I had to pee a couple times.

Wilson: You’ve got to stop blaming Cuddy for this.

House: Given that it is her fault, it seems appropriate.

Wilson: That part is her fault. The part where somebody wasted his time in a basement plotting the overthrow of a government agency, that one’s on you.

House: The only thing I can do is think. You can pretty much do that anywhere. As long as no one’s bugging me.

Euphoria, S2

House: All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dead because I am screwed up.

Wilson: You lost one patient. And it wasn't your fault.

House: What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom alive.

Wilson: She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?

House: And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot.

Wilson: Yeah. You've lost patients before, and you'll lose patients again. Why…

House: Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are… nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.

Wilson (with an incredulous laugh): Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.

House: My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. (Softly) How is she?

Wilson: She's worried. She's upset that you didn't show up tonight.

House: I gotta tell her the truth, Wilson.

Recession Proof, S7

The Down Low, S6

Under My Skin, S5

Wilson's Heart, S4