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Wilson: [approaches] Hey, just curious… what’re you driving up to Middletown for?
House: What do you care?
Lee: [VO] Why does he care?
Wilson: Because I'm your friend.
House: I was buying a guitar.
Wilson: Yeah, I heard that. It used to belong to a guitarist who died in a motorcycle accident. It just reeks of you screwing with people. Your crash was ten miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic.
House: You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. And yet, that's not even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite.
Wilson: If you're going to another state to get more narcotics…
Lee: [VO] He's on drugs?
House: I went to visit your ex-ex-ex-wife…
Lee: [VO] What?
House: …who lives in Thompson Ridge. I let her know about the extra money you're making on the lecture circuit. So she'll be sure to adjust your alimony.
Wilson: You wouldn't do that.
House: Yeah. I wouldn't do that.
Wilson: Would you?
Lee: [VO] You guys are friends?
Locked In, S5
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Wilson: I'm sorry about your patient.
House: He died a hero in his own mind. Guess it's better than nothing.
Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks we're gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirt bags.
House: Mendacious dirt bag comes much more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that. [He gestures at the A Chorus Line poster.]
Wilson: I kind of like it. [House stares at him.] Unlike this sofa.
House: It's 500 bucks. And... [he pulls a lever on the side] it reclines.
The Down Low, S6
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House: It worked.
Wilson: Please tell me you're talking about a medical procedure.
House: They split up this morning. You're the very first one I've told.
Wilson: And you think she'll start dating you? I'm sure she hates you.
House: But her eyes say, "How will I ever pay you for that tennis lesson?"
Wilson: [sighs] Ah, what a shame.
House: They'll get over it.
Wilson: I meant for you.
House: I'll get over it faster than they do. [laughs slightly] Can't believe that Lucas fell for my "I never say this because it's so personal except that I’m drunk" profession of love. Second-oldest trick in the book.
Wilson: You're right. It's his fault because he's stupid.
House: [pause] He certainly is.
Ignorance Is Bliss, S6
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Wilson: You do know that I don't actually have magical powers.
House: I have faith.
Wilson: Better off trying to slip some antibiotics into a meal...
House: Which antibiotics? We don't know what infection he's got.
Wilson: Go as broad as you can.
House: Forget it; our best hope is your silver tongue.
House vs. God, S2
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Wilson: MRI looks exactly the same as it did two years ago. Nerves don’t seem to be regenerating.
House: I figured as much.
Wilson: Several researchers have proven that psychological pain can manifest as physical pain.
House: You think I have a conversion disorder? You want me to see a shrink.
Wilson: Brilliant idea, sending Stacey away, it’s really done wonders for you.
House: Listen none of this has anything to do with Stacey.
Wilson: Right; giant coincidence that you’ve gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain-- (House whacks him with his cane.) Ow!
House: Aw. You miss Stacey too?
Skin Deep, S2
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Wilson: Steve’s still acting normal, no sign of contractures.
House: They’ve got the cop’s body in a locked, airtight bag.
Wilson: And a guard on the door. Those feds are seriously paranoid.
House: He hasn’t gotten up to pee in hours, he’s due.
Wilson: You haven’t sprinkled Senokot granules on his donut, his bowels would open up like the Red Sea.
House: He wouldn’t eat the donut.
Wilson: Have you seriously been down here for hours?
House: No. I had to pee a couple times.
Wilson: You’ve got to stop blaming Cuddy for this.
House: Given that it is her fault, it seems appropriate.
Wilson: That part is her fault. The part where somebody wasted his time in a basement plotting the overthrow of a government agency, that one’s on you.
House: The only thing I can do is think. You can pretty much do that anywhere. As long as no one’s bugging me.
Euphoria, S2
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House: All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dead because I am screwed up.
Wilson: You lost one patient. And it wasn't your fault.
House: What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom alive.
Wilson: She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?
House: And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot.
Wilson: Yeah. You've lost patients before, and you'll lose patients again. Why…
House: Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are… nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.
Wilson (with an incredulous laugh): Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.
House: My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. (Softly) How is she?
Wilson: She's worried. She's upset that you didn't show up tonight.
House: I gotta tell her the truth, Wilson.
Recession Proof, S7